I'm jealous of your bromance
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
