An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..