i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???