This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
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Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
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I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.