I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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