My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
