just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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