Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
At least life still wants to fuck me.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
