sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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