Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
