Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
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