i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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