I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
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i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
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New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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