Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
