one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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