Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
