I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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