Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
