you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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