the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
