Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
