I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
