Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
