Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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