Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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