True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
