Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
