I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
