What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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