I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
