So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Randomize
