come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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