i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
