It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
