Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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