the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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