Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
