Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
it was like having sex with a tree stump
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
