I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
