I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
