you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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