im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
