just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I supernannyed him into submission
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
