Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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