The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
