Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
