She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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