He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
