I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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