I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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