my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
