How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize