Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
