I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
