She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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