Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
