I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
