yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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