Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..